


nobody teaches you how to reminisce

by seemeeimbeebee



Category: This Is Us (TV)
Genre: Alcoholics Anonymous, F/M, even when it's hard, speculation based on interviews, spoilers for 4x06, talking about our feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-15 04:50:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21247742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seemeeimbeebee/pseuds/seemeeimbeebee
Summary: Kevin’s head shot up, looking at the woman sitting across the circle from him. He hadn’t spoken to her since...well, he’d seen her in his bed. Incredibly ruffled but still astonishingly beautiful, looking at him with that soft and affectionate gaze. He’d felt like an ass, promising to get her back with her husband and then sleeping with her.Who did things like that?That’s right, an ass.





	nobody teaches you how to reminisce

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops, my hand slipped. This was based on an interview I read where Dan Fogelman said that Kevin was going to feel a lot of guilt about sleeping with Cassidy. Given Kevin's tendency to feel overly responsible for people he cares about to the point where it hurts him, I think having someone like Cassidy tell him that he doesn't have to hold onto everything would be really good. And as a Kevin/Cassidy shipper (do we have a name yet?), I drummed this up based on the notion that I don't think Cassidy would want Kevin to feel guilty. And also maybe I was mad that Ryan called Cassidy broken last week. Like maybe just a little. Enjoy!

“I know sometimes that I’m like...dismissive or whatever sometimes. But can I...I’m wondering...if I could ask everyone something this week? It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently.”

“Of course, Cassidy. This is an open discussion week, we can talk about anything you like as long as it’s related to why we’re all here.”  
  
Kevin’s head shot up, looking at the woman sitting across the circle from him. He hadn’t spoken to her since...well, he’d seen her in his bed. Incredibly ruffled but still astonishingly beautiful, looking at him with that soft and affectionate gaze. He’d felt like an ass, promising to get her back with her husband and then sleeping with her. 

Who did things like that?

That’s right, an ass. 

She licked her lips, her eyes searching the room for some unseen danger as everyone shifted closer to her, giving her their full attention. For as much as they teased and giggled and were generally like the bad kids sitting in the back row of the classroom, the other people in the room got  _ it  _ and understood and at least listened to them. 

“I...does anyone feel like there’s a...before and an after?” Cassidy sighed, pushing her hair out of her face. “To you? To...this?” She gestured to the circle weakly. “Not in a bad way,” she clarified immediately when some people’s postures became defensive. “It just like...you were a person before, and then something happened that made you start drinking and now you’re trying to move past it.”

“And there will be an after. That’s what we’re all working toward. An after and a recovery, and a purposeful life, where you heal from the things that lead you to drink in the first place.”

There were a few sympathetic nods and hums as spoke, and the encouragement gave her the confidence to lean into them. 

But he already knew that about her. He already knew that her face lit up when she felt like there was solid ground to stand on, or when she saw Matty, her other solid ground. He was deeply familiar with the sound of her laugh, and the way her eyes joyfully crinkled up when she was happy. 

He could so clearly the way the weight had lifted from her shoulders when he had said that she was human, that she could make mistakes. He saw how desperately she’d craved that acknowledgement from someone. Because, like him, she felt like she was alone and trying to keep her head above water. 

Which is why they leaned into each other too much and he’d fucked everything up royally. He should’ve backed away, let her go. But he couldn’t.

“There is,” Cassidy started slowly, bringing him back into the circle. Though, if he was perfectly honest, he could look and listen to her and never get tired of it. “There is someone in my life who wants to go back to the before. The very beginning.” She looked down at her hands. “This person has known me a very long time, and saw...the before...well, everything. And this person wants me to go back to that before.” 

“You sound upset by this,” their session leader noted. 

Cassidy’s face twisted, and she tightened her grip on her own hands. “He called me broken. To my face. As it stands right now, maybe I’m a little...” She shrugged, unable to find the word. “I really don’t want to...I don’t think I’m  _ broken _ .” Her voice cracked on the word and her shoulders went up.

Kevin nearly stood up, his own rage rising, knowing exactly who she was talking about. Cassidy was a lot of things: stubborn, sarcastic, a little bit insensitive at times, but she certainly wasn’t broken. It was the second time Ryan had used that word to describe her, and it was no less infuriating the second time around.

“He wants me to go back to how I was. At the very beginning. And I don’t...I don’t think I want that anymore. Because that person...whoever I was before...well, she ended up addicted to alcohol, didn’t she?” she asked angrily, looking at the floor. “How could I want to go back to that person? That person she…” She picked up her head and leaned back to stop the tears from coming--a tell, she didn’t want to cry in front of them, he knew--and added, “She was hurting so much. How could anyone want to go back to that?”

There were murmurs of agreement, more people nodding again through the circle. Their session leader leaned forward--as did Kevin--and asked her, “And how does it make you feel, Cassidy?”

“Angry,” she whispered, afraid to give the emotion much volume. “Frustrated. Hurt. This is a person who wants me to get better, but only if it was like before.”

“Have you thought about what the relationship with this person might look like after?” their session leader prompted.

Cassidy leaned forward again, making sure to look him directly in the eye. Her gaze was unflinching and unafraid, holding all the weight and gravitas of her past and his within it. “In the after, there is someone--maybe not, this first person that I was talking about but someone--who understands. Maybe he’s been through it, maybe he hasn’t.”

“She’s talking about me,” Nicky muttered into his coffee so only he could hear it. If Kevin hadn’t been holding his breath, he would’ve laughed.

“But this person...we can accept each other’s pitfalls, and recognize what the other person has been through, but help each other get to the other side,” Cassidy said firmly. “And maybe it’s not what we thought it was going to be…”

“That’s not always a bad thing,” their session leader prompted. 

“No, it’s not,” Cassidy agreed, still looking at Kevin. “But it’d still be a partnership.”

“And have you considered telling this person about your expectations and hopes for what the future looks like?”

“No, I’m terrible at talking about my feelings,” Cassidy snarked, leaning back and folding her arms over her chest. The guarded look had gone back up in her eyes, she was looking for him to respond or for the eyes to leave her. Her eyes flickered back to her lap again, breaking their eye contact.

But he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to stop looking at her, especially after all she had said. Still, he could show her he had heard her. 

“It’s hard to talk about feelings...it’s easier to just...hold it all in and then kind of self-destruct in other ways,” Kevin agreed, nodding at Cassidy, but hoping he’d understood that he  _ heard _ her. “I guess that’s why a lot of us are here, right?” 

Her eyes flickered back up to him, and a wry smile crossed her lips. She gave him a small nod. And he grinned back at her in return.

The session went on without much incident, though he kept finding himself looking at her and seeing that she was looking at him.

He was all by squirming by the end of the session, dying to talk to her. He started to get up when Nicky put a hand on his shoulder and forced him to sit back down in the chair. “I swear to God if you don’t talk to her, I’m gonna kill both of you,” Nicky informed him, poking his shoulder. Kind of hard, if Kevin was honest. “Because I’m not doing this for the next eight steps. And I like her, so if you scare her off, I’m never gonna forgive you.”

Kevin rolled his eyes at his uncle, the action betrayed by the grin on his face. “I’m going to talk to her if you’d just let me up.” He looked around his uncle, only to find her still waiting by the coffee machine, a smirk on her lips and amusement dancing in her gorgeous green eyes.

“Hold on, Romeo,” Nicky said gruffly. “There’s more than one way to screw this up beyond repair. Just…think for a second before you go rushing in.”

Kevin nodded and took a deep breath. He looked back up at his uncle and nodded before getting up again. “That was brave, what you did,” he started, putting his hands in his pockets. “Guess being here has helped a little bit, don’t you think?” 

“Well, you weren’t talking to me, so I had to get your attention somehow,” Cassidy replied, turning to face him. She bit her lip and sighed. “It really hurt, y’know. We may not be...whatever, but I’d like to think we’re friends.”

“We are,” Kevin confirmed. “I just...got in my head. And you know, they recommend no romantic relationships for the first year for a reason. And I promised--”

“I know what you promised,” Cassidy said quietly. “Just...don’t feel like you have to beat yourself up. The fate of my marriage doesn’t rest on just your shoulders. It takes two to tango, you know?” She shrugged her shoulders and he chuckled lowly. “I’ll let you know if you push too far.”

“Actually, I was gonna…” Kevin started, rubbing the back of his neck. “I was hoping we could dial back. I know you said that...you’re not sure if your future is with Ryan, but...I want to give you the space to figure it out.” 

“That would be nice,” Cassidy said with a small smile. “But does this mean we’re not hanging out? Because I have to tell you: you and your grumpy uncle are the only people who don’t totally suck and...we’re not meant to do this on our own.”

“I’ll let him know you think so highly of him,” Kevin laughed and she laughed in response. The sound settled in his chest and he relished in it. As much as he wanted--and it seemed she wanted too--he was glad he could still see her. “C’mon, I think Uncle Nicky has some ice cream in his trailer. He can be our chaperone.”

“A  _ chaperone _ ? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we were two teenagers in Victorian England,” Cassidy said wryly. He looked at her, to let her know that these were the terms and she nodded. “He’s going to hate this.”

“Eh, he likes you, he told me,” Kevin told her, walking back with her toward his uncle.

“I’m glad he’s not the only Pearson that does,” she admitted softly and gave his hand a quick squeeze. 


End file.
